Perception's Placebo

The Phone Guard purports to block radiation emitted from cell phones. In a related story, garlic is still warding off vampires.

Experiencing headaches, dizziness, memory loss, fatigue or ear problems? Rather than a spoonful of Vitameatavegamin, Corona, Calif.-based Smart Telecom Solutions wants wireless users to turn to The Phone Guard. For a mere 25 bucks, you can block “potentially” harmful death rays that zap you of all that is good and pure.

“Potentially” is the key word. No one has proved that cell phones emit dangerous radiation levels. In fact, industry groups such as the GSM Association and even researchers at the World Health Organization have not been able to demonstrate a link between human health risks and wireless phones or their base stations — besides the obvious risk of getting a good ass-kicking when your phone rings in a movie theater, that is.

Assuming there might be some bad electromagnetic waves out there, what exactly is this RF sentry supposed to do? According to Smart Telecom Solutions, its patented micro crystal design converts cell phone emissions into harmless, positive energy before reaching the user. But because waves naturally reflect off man-made structures such as walls, it follows that a shield on the handset would do limited good. With all that bouncing going on, maybe a lead suit would be a better protection device.

Smart Telecom Solutions counts on capitalizing on fear. Know how many gigahertz of energy your phone emits while you are talking? Of course you don't. Only nerds who pack personal Gaussian meters would.

The Phone Guard fits all makes and models. Setting aside the semi-scientific mumbo jumbo, can you think of any other wireless accessory that features a one-size-fits-all model? There's your first clue.

So caveat emptor, baby. If you believe in voodoo dolls and teeth-whitening chewing gum, this is something for your shopping list. Otherwise, when it comes to phones, the only bigger waste of time and money is a call to Miss Cleo.