Thumb Thing Stupid

Squeezing is for toothpaste, juice boxes and — Mr. Whipple to the contrary — Charmin toilet paper. Squeezing is not for mobile phones.

But that hasn't stopped researchers at the MIT Media Lab in Cambridge, Mass., from developing a latex cell phone that, when squished, lets users transmit vibrations in addition to their usual spoken blather. Just what the world needs: the wireless equivalent of a novelty joy buzzer.

The, um, brainchild of the lab's Tangible Media Group, the phone contains five tiny speakers that vibrate against your fingertips. Beneath the speakers are pressure sensors that allow you to transmit and receive vibrations. The strength of the vibrating signal transmitted to your caller's corresponding finger is dependent on how hard you squeeze — you're truly letting your fingers do the talking.

Of course, Americans have a history of communicating via finger. There's the raised index finger signifying “We're number one!,” the down-turned thumb indicating that a movie isn't quite up to snuff, and the extended middle finger, common shorthand for “I'm terribly sorry, good sir, but your vehicular aptitude is rather lacking today.” But this is ridiculous. You want good vibrations? Listen to a Beach Boys record. Let's focus on ironing the kinks out of wireless' other sensory experiences — like, say, hearing — before we move on to touch. And let's not even ponder the ramifications of smell.

So caveat emptor, baby — or, if you prefer, don't get a grip. Moving forward, here's a rule of thumb (literally): A wireless phone call should never apply the same muscles and physical technique used to milk a cow. It's just that simple.