Cell-ing Fame

Still regretting those “I Dream of Jeannie”-style gold-lamé pants you bought back in 1991 so you would look like M.C. Hammer? Then don't make the same mistake when rapper Nelly's branded handsets and next-gen applications arrive next month.

The phones — Java-enabled Motorola handsets — are hitting the market courtesy of PTN Media, the same company that brought you the Michael Jordan- and Claudia Schiffer-edition Palm Pilots. You didn't need those, and you sure don't need this.

Nelly, for those not in the know, is the St. Louis-based rapper who broke big with his multi-platinum 2000 debut album “Country Grammar,” scoring the hit single “Ride with Me.” His new record, “Nellyville,” will drop this summer — and coincidentally enough, fans will be able to kick it m-commerce style and order the disc via Nelly cell. They can also receive daily voice messages from the rapper himself. (One potential example: “Buy my record!”)

But even if you are in the know, forget about it. Attics and garages across the nation are littered with the debris of fickle celebrity obsessions — those Michael Jackson “Beat It” jackets, New Kids on the Block dolls and “Miami Vice” white suits everyone thought they couldn't live without. (And God help you if there's a photo of you with hair inspired by Jennifer Aniston, especially if your name is Hank.)

Pop culture moves too fast to risk investing anything more than spare time. What's cool today is hideously uncool tomorrow. Just ask that dude humming “The Macarena” on the elevator this morning.

So caveat emptor, baby. Owning a Nelly phone won't make you cool, just like owning a Nokia 8110 like the one in “The Matrix” didn't make you handsome like Keanu Reeves. After a while, it just made you feel stupid. (And only THEN did you truly feel like Keanu Reeves, remember?) It's just a matter of time before celebrity-branded mobile devices go the way of the dodo. Or the way of Dido — she hasn't had a hit single in a long time.