The Upstart way

The world headquarters of Upstart hosts visits from thousands upon thousands of communications industry hopefuls every year. They come armed with nothing but their dreams—that, and their PowerPoint presentations, equipment mockups and product demos. They leave behind nothing but their impressions—along with their press kits, business cards and, if we’re lucky, a really big bag of logo-emblazoned tchotchkes.

These companies walk away confident that the industry experience of their management teams, the inherent insurgency of their strategies and their radical new revenue models will be enough to merit coverage on Upstart’s pages. They’re filled with a false sense of relief, having emerged relatively unscathed from interrogation-style interviews by members of Upstart’s editorial staff.

But there are many things Upstart’s visitors do not know about those interviews, the people behind them and what happens next.

Upstart’s staff in fact comprises not journalists but rather a band of career criminals, retired NASA engineers, declassified IRS agents, former bartenders and participants in the FBI’s witness relocation program: Brian “Pipes” Quinton, Jason “Rocket Man” Ankeny, Eddie “The Equalizer” Gubbins, David “Imperial Pint” Schober and Doug “Clean Canvas” Fleener. Their pursuits are funded and orchestrated by Upstart’s managing editor, who communicates with them daily by speakerphone and is known only as “Charlie.”

It’s only after the interviews, when visitors to Upstart’s command post have left the grounds, that the real work begins.

To protect the integrity of Upstart’s editorial research, fully test the mettle of its editorial subjects and maximize its ability to blow the lid off of any industry scams, Upstart’s editorial staff operates as a single, cohesive entity rather than as individuals. At frequent high-level consultative sessions, the members of the Upstart Collective gather to deconstruct the presentations and business plans of recent interview subjects and pore over transcripts of their questioning sessions. The goal of this kind of assembly is to identify potential snags in the strategies of new industry entrants that would disqualify them from editorial inclusion.

Due to the sensitive nature of their contents, these gatherings (known on the inside as “brain binges”) are held not in Upstart’s editorial offices but at a secret hideaway in the heart of downtown Chicago. Several phrases known to be uttered frequently by members of the Upstart staff are actually secret signals to rendezvous for a meeting at that undisclosed location.

Various affiliates within the Collective have different talents and strengths that are strategically applied during this evaluation process. Some, being masters of deception themselves, are acutely aware of any attempts at public relations trickery and can sniff out snake oil from deep within a packet of press materials. Others are fiscal geniuses able to blow holes in even the most tightly woven financial models. Still others are technological masterminds capable of dismantling and reassembling any piece of network equipment in 60 seconds flat.

Past gatherings have yielded interesting results: In one instance an array of broadband wireless receivers was once re-tuned to lock on the frequency that carries TV Land, and in another an armada of remote-controlled boats made from defunct cable modems was released in the Chicago River.

After careful and collaborative evaluation of each start-up entity being considered, Upstart selects the companies that will be featured in upcoming issues. Tattered collateral materials are returned to rejected contenders with suggestions for where they can put them.

At that point, the subsequent phases of the Upstart process—the writing, editing and design periods—begin. Upstart’s approach to these undertakings is so proprietary that its methodologies can not be revealed. Suffice it to say the completion of each issue of this publication is a complex dance involving finely honed editorial and artistic talent, a small herd of alpacas and a monkey named Chomps.

Editorial Director Jason Meyers has changed his name to protect the innocent. (But you can reach him anyway at jason_meyers@intertec.com.)