Scary But True

The watchword for the 21st century so far has been “broadband.” Everyone is talking about it. You can’t pick up a magazine or newspaper without reading about it. You can’t turn on the television without seeing it in a commercial or sound bite. “Broadband” has spread like dysentery at a public bath.

The term has gone from obscurity to wretched overuse in an amazingly short period of time — so fast, in fact, that we wondered if it might be a world record. So we contacted the Guinness organization, and they said we should stop calling them because they brew beer and have nothing to do with world records.

Bored with that angle, we decided to try three unimpeachable sources to determine what the term really means to various Americans. Here are our results — with no embellishment or alteration. This is, in fact, what these sources told us. Honest to God.

AT&T Customer Service (800.CALL.ATT)
Q: “I’ve seen the word ‘broadband’ being used in AT&T ads. What does it mean?”

A: “Broad band is basically what you call local long-distance calls. Depending on how far your local telephone company calls out from your local calling area, that determines your broad band. It’s how far your local company will handle long-distance calls. If you do not choose AT&T as your local long-distance carrier, which is calls within 100 miles to 150 miles radius away from you, but you still have to dial ‘1’ in order to reach those areas, your local company is capable of handling those calls unless you choose us as your carrier. The broad band is the average mileage of calls from where you’re at to that extended area.” [Note to self: Cut losses immediately, sell all shares of AT&T!]

Al Gore’s Campaign Office in Illinois (312.329.2000)
Q: “I heard Al Gore mention the word ‘broadband’ in one of his speeches. What does it mean?”
A: “Wow. My guess is that he was just talking about a ban on something.”

Annette Hendrickson (the author’s big sister, Paynesville, Minn.)
Q: “What does the word ‘broadband’ mean to you?”
A: “Absolutely nothing. I’d probably just say it means chicks playing music.”

So there you have it. Not only has the term “broadband” been overexposed in what is unquestionably record time, it has actually ceased to mean anything even before it penetrated the American skull. We take this as either a sign of the End Times, or an indication of how completely out of touch marketing flacks are with normal human beings. You be the judge.