How to not get fired

(Upstart) I used to work for a company whose president, as a rule, never trusted anyone in middle managment until they fired someone for the first time. It was an eerily endearing rite of passage for him. When one of his employees had the cold resolve to look another employee in the eye and say, “Pack up all your troll dolls, Meg--today’s your last day,” this guy beamed with pride. It was only then he knew that his employees weren’t soft. That they would do what was right for the company, no matter how unpleasant.

Now I should point out that this president didn’t have the management credentials to operate a shake machine at Hardee’s. He got most of these little nuggets of wisdom from a book he kept in the restroom called "Chicken Soup for the Sh*thead." But you have to wonder if his way of thinking has permeated the telecom scene of late.

Service providers of all types and sizes await the next wave of investment capital like farmers praying for rain. And to prove to investors how serious they are about spending wisely and getting serious about profitability, they’re firing employees en masse. The latest example came last week when Colorado-based Convergent Communications announced it was shaving off 22% of its workforce. The company is saving $3 million each month by selling its voice integration operations and concentrating solely on data services. Kind of a bummer they named the company after the kind of converged services they’re now dropping, but hey--if foresight were clearer than hindsight, I wouldn’t have this tattoo of the Spice Girls on my back.

Like my old jerky boss, investors have lost their trust in upstarts. Maybe all that nuveaux-economy corporate culture stuff cast the wrong impression: The basketball hoops over the cubicles. The beanbag chairs in the bathrooms. Computers that come in blue, green and purple--Hey, Timothy Leary! Get back to work! Upstarts needed to prove to investors that they weren’t in this for the fun of “Shoes-Optional Fridays.” They were in this to make money, and they would do whatever it took to accomplish that goal.

As service provider CEOs hand out pink slips, turn down their cash burn and in some cases retool their business models, investors may slowly warm up to them again. Industry watchers are already reporting investments to be up in January from the month before. Just yesterday, South Carolina CLEC New South Communications received $85 million in financing. Yipes just closed a $200 million round. But even more telling, Minnesota Web-hosting start-up Dantis took in a $40 million round right after laying off 50 employees. And West Coast BLEC UrbanMedia snared $57 million in equity funding while it said goodbye to almost 90% of its workforce. Could the end of the drought be nearing?

As the weather gets warmer, equity markets might thaw enough to give service providers a little more rope, but things are likely to get worse before they get better. Start-up employees would be wise, in the meantime, to check the name plate on their cubicles at least once an hour to make sure they still work there. They should stay productive and eliminate waste wherever possible (used staples can be unbent and used all over again, and with the right attitude, this can be just as much fun as that cube-mounted basketball hoop). And above all, if they have the power to fire another employee, they should do so immediately. And make sure the boss is watching when it happens.

For Senior Writer Ed Gubbins, every day is "shoes optional." E-mail him at ed_gubbins@intertec.com.