Last laugh of the year?

Once again, you’re caught working in a nearly empty office while most of your co-workers are vacationing over the holidays. What better time for a time-waster? A month ago, on the day before Thanksgiving, I invited readers to submit their own punchlines to a handful of setups based on current industry events (see here).

The results were only slightly worse than in 2003. I’m assuming that’s because a few of the funnier participants from a year ago have since been laid off (perhaps for spending their time writing punchlines for someone else’s newsletters). Below are a few of this year’s submissions. Keep in mind, these are the “good” ones!

1. LightRiver Technologies bills itself a "full-service telecommunications solutions provider of high-performance products and services." By "full-service," they mean...

…world-class sales, service and support from IPO all the way through Chapter 7.

…the same way they talk about getting serviced in cow country: all bull.

Most of the entries for this setup were too crude for even me to publish, making predictable suggestions about what it might mean to be “serviced.” I admit this wasn’t an easy one. I guess I was just trying to encourage the lampooning of meaningless nonsense phrases such as “full-service” that vendors too often include in their marketing messages.

2. Workers contracted by Verizon Communications to deploy fiber-to-the-premises equipment accidentally struck a gas line in Florida last week.

This was the second largest accidental gas release of the year that was caused by Verizon, surpassed only by Ivan Seidenberg’s keynote speech at Telecom ’04.

After causing more than $100,000 in damage, Verizon renamed its technology fiber-to-the-gaping-hole.

Florida customers should not expect Verizon to light a fire under their video-on-demand service any time soon.

This one was rife with possibilities for bathroom humor and bad puns, so entrants who didn’t hit their mark here were unlikely to find a better shot among the other setups. Someone suggested the groan-worthy title "Can you sear me now?" Another wrote, “The workers confused light the fiber with lite the fiber,” which I didn’t get at all.

3. In a recent interview with Optical Insight, Lambda Optical Systems CEO Irfan Ali said of his company's current revenue, "The bulk of the revenue has not happened yet."

Off the record, Ali boldly projected that most forecasted revenues will happen in the future.

Ali also described the year 2057 as "the best year of my life so far.”

Oddly enough, the bulk of Ali’s salary and bonus has already happened.

Those who wrote the above punchlines knew where I was going with this. (It reminds me of the time someone asked meditation guru Maharishi Mahesh where the money to fund his next project would come from, and he said it would come “from wherever it is now.”) But some didn’t even seem clear on the whole concept of punchlines, with entries like, “Mostly because our products still suck!” and, inexplicably, “Wait! Make that Metamucil!” Huh?

4. Lucent Technologies former CEO Rich McGinn may be sued as a result of violating the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act--including its anti-bribery provisions--during the company's dealings with Saudi Arabia in the late 1990s.

After the allegations were made public, Michael Moore was overheard asking, "Does this Lucent place have a big gate I can stand outside of?"

Mr. McGinn has already lost his Camel operator's license as a result of the probe.

OK, this was not an easy one either, and it illustrated how dangerous it can be for people to attempt this exercise by themselves. Take this “punchline,” for example: “…where groups of 14 virgins were being tossed around like scud missiles. It has also been rumored that Richie-boy is trying to cut deals with Martha Stewart for decorating the cell next door prior to his arrival. And last, but not least, he has been linked to the selling of K-Mart properties during the earlier bankruptcy proceedings and prior to the Sears merger, without declaring profits made and avoiding any payments to creditors.” (In the silence that follows, you can almost hear Ed McMahon shouting, “Hey-Oh!”)

5. SBC CEO Ed Whitacre recently told the Wall Street Journal, "I'm really not very techie, but I can use a computer. I can even burn a CD or load it on my iPod. There's something like 514 hours of music on it. I have Ray Charles on there, I have Steely Dan, I have the music from 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.'"

"...and I like to act out all the parts."

...which explains why, just before SBC's last earnings call, someone on the line was overheard humming "I've Never Been to Me."

Whitacre then asked the reporter, "You know what a Steely Dan is, don't you?"

“…and one time, in band camp…”

Many of the responses to this one bypassed the obvious targets in favor of bitter attacks on Whitacre based on the number of layoffs at SBC in recent years. Maybe the setup is its own punchline in this case. Who would have imagined Whitacre tapping his toes to a cross-dressing anthem like “I’ve Never Been to Me,” not to mention “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero” and “Shake Your Groove Thing” (all on the “Priscilla” soundtrack). Did the Village People’s “Go West” (track 2) inspire Whitacre to acquire Pacific Bell? Did he crank track 7--Gloria Gaynor’s triumphant “I Will Survive”--in his office after the last FCC decision? You just can’t write this stuff.

E-mail me at egubbins@primediabusiness.com.