First we kill all the lawyers

(Upstart) The Times of London reported last week that a Baltimore law firm is mounting as many as 10 suits against mobile carriers including Motorola, Verizon and Vodafone in response to claims filed by one Christopher Newman, a Charm City neurologist who insists that his brain tumor was triggered by using his cell phone for four hours each day for over six years. The attorney spearheading the charge is Peter Angelos, previously made famous (and very, very rich) for scoring $4.2 billion in damages from the tobacco industry. Angelos argues that cell phone radiation is a direct contributor to brain cancer; I’m arguing that lawyers are a cancer, period. There’s as much scientific evidence to back up Angelos’ claims as there is mine—which is to say, there’s pretty much no evidence at all.

I have no idea just how Angelos plans to argue his case, but if he’s expecting lightning to strike twice, he should think again—the similarities between cell use and cigarette smoking are, suffice it to say, slim to none. The differences are blatantly obvious—for one, there’s no concrete evidence that cell phone radiation is harmful. In fact, several recent studies conclusively proved otherwise. More to the point: Even though some people seem to suffer withdrawal symptoms when separated from their cells, there is no addictive agent in mobile technology. Nicotine is a drug—making booty calls from the back of a cab at three in the morning is not.

The damage to the mobile industry could nevertheless be severe. Less than a week into 2001, the notion of last year’s Y2K hysteria now seems but a quaint memory, but it’s instructive to note just how many people bought into the rampant paranoia that swept the globe during the final weeks of the 20th century. A lawsuit of this magnitude, whether grounded in reality or not, could have far-reaching ramifications for an industry still suffering growing pains—if the Y2K panic is any indication, people are more than ready to believe the worst about modern technology. (Showing that damn Stanley Kubrick movie all year long isn’t going to assuage any of those fears, either.)

Vodafone Group and British Telecom shares were devalued some 5 billion pounds in the wake of the Times’ report—at that rate, the stocks will soon be as worthless as the Baltimore Orioles, the major league baseball franchise Angelos bought in 1994. The team faltered badly under his control, paying obscene amounts of money to land overpriced free agents like Albert Belle yet failing to field a competitive squad year in and year out. Angelos rules the O’s with an iron fist, reaching his nadir by firing skipper Davey Johnson on the very same day Johnson was named the American League's 1997 Manager of the Year. Fingering cell phone use as a cause for brain cancer seems about as logical as blaming Cal Ripken Jr.’s record 2632 consecutive game streak for the Baltimore slugger’s recent string of injuries, but given Angelos’ track record of specious reasoning, I’d be willing to wager that the thought’s crossed his mind. Just how much time does this guy spend on his cell phone, anyway?

In honor of this landmark year, Senior Editor Jason Ankeny has committed himself to speaking solely in the vapid voice of Hal, the onboard computer in Kubrick’s movie. He can be reached at jason_ankeny@intertec.com.