The Analyst's Corner: The end of the line

Lily Tomlin's Ernestine the Operator character could at least provide some comic relief in an otherwise  frustrating  saga of customer care-lessness

Being at the end of the line used to be a good thing. In the transportation business, the last stop was usually the center of a major city. In communications, it is a different situation. People who live beyond the end of the line canot always get service. You literally are at the bleeding edge of civilization. Today, however, being at the end of the line is not only not a good thing, it can be fatal.

Just days before I wrote this column, I was given a real-world lesson regarding this reality, while simultaneously continuing my education on why local phone companies have serious operational problems.

My golden retriever, Sam, and I were returning from our daily walk (actually his 1½ mile pull around the neighborhood), when I spotted a freshly painted Verizon repair truck in front of our house. This surprised me on two fronts:

• we didn’t call them; and
• it was mere days after they settled their labor problems.

Upon closer inspection I saw one of Verizon’s friendly repair people playing with the spaghetti factory that is the outside wiring box for my end of the block. (I am not, by the way being facetious about repairmen friendliness).

“What are you doing?” I inquired.

“Putting in two new lines for your next door neighbor,” he (who we shall call Joe to protect the innocent) responded.

“Both of his kids are under five,” I volunteered.

“We have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy,” Joe quipped.

He finished what he was doing and roared off in his truck, mysteriously leaving the spaghetti factory door open. I went in the house for lunch, and picked up my business line to return calls. Dead...along with my data line. I got in my car to find Joe, but he was gone. Now what?

I called the Verizon trouble line. “What’s your trouble?” a pleasant male voice, we’ll call Fred, inquired.

“One of your guys just cut off my service when he was installing my neighbor’s two new lines. He took off, and I’m not sure if he is returning. Can you contact him and get him back?” I asked.

“No! We don’t have access to that database,” was Fred’s response.

“Can you put me through to the people who do?” I asked.

“No. We can’t do that,” said Fred.

“What can you do?” I asked.

“We can set up an appointment to send someone out to your house next week to see what the problem is,” said Fred.

Growing irritated I asked, “When? I am trying to run a business here.”

“I can’t tell you, just have someone home from 9-5 on Monday,” Fred said.

I threatened Fred that I knew Verizon’s CEO, and would call him at home, assuming his phone lines were working. Fred said, "Good luck."

I got in my car and found Joe ann hour later in his cherry picker four poles down from my house. I told him my problem and that I was expecting several important calls. We came back to the box. He lifted out a dead mole. I felt queasy. 

He tested my two lines. “Yup! You have no service,” said Joe. “When I’m done with your neighbor I’ll put you back on line.”

He was back in an hour as promised. I sat and watched.

“Did you know you are 16,000 feet from the CO,” said Joe. “Can I get DSL service here?” I asked. “Any number of vendors will sell it to you, but your experience might be pretty bad,” he promised. 

“Well, they can certainly beat the expectations I have of ever getting cable modem service which appears to be never, plus I am at the end of the cascade,” I told Fred. “Have you thought about a satellite dish?” he asked.

Here are a few more facts about this situation.

• The call I was expecting was one from “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” My wife had qualified to be in the drawing to be a contestant. You had to be at home to answer or they would move on to the next name on the list. I was out of service for three hours. They never called.

• I forgot to cancel my repair call for Monday. At 5:30 in the afternoon, Verizon called to tell me they were not showing, would I like to reschedule.

• I asked if the telco cabling mess that is my neighborhood could be replaced. I was told that only destruction by an act of God would get this area a truck roll. A mere complaint would get me laughed at.

What I learned from all of this was:

1. Lilly Tomlin should bring back her “Ernestine the Operator” character. She’s got years of material to work with.
2. In the new media era, picking real estate is still, location, location, location. The lovely house at the end of the cul de sac may be perfect for you and your kids, but only if you want to stay in the dark ages, and I don’t mean fiber.
3. Some engagement consultant or systems integrator has a lifetime job just getting telco databases to interact with each other.

4. It is a good thing that telco CEOs keep their phone numbers unlisted.

5. DSL stands for Doesn’t Serve Loops.

6. Broadband fixed wireless does have a future in the US.

7. Add this to your list of new millennium oxymorons: “We’re from the telephone company. We’re here to help.”

I wonder when will I see the benefits of industry restructuring. I’m out $1 million, and can’t get high-speed service. Maybe Verizon just needs to buy more companies to fix these problems.

Last but not least, if you are at the end of the line, you are likely to find yourself at your wits end as well. “Is that your final answer?”
Peter Bernstein is President of infonautics Consulting, Ramsey, N.J. His e-mail address is pabernstein@worldnet.att.net. This column originally appeared on the internetTelephony.com website.