HUMBUGS IN THE SYSTEM

At the end of Charles Dickens' best-selling biography “A Christmas Carol,” it seemed the book's subject, the miserly and misanthropic businessman Ebenezer Scrooge, had changed his wicked ways once and for all. Wrong. Worse still, he's now running a telecommunications company. Here's what Scrooge had to say about the critical issues facing the industry as it limps into 2003.

On the economy: Anytime you have fewer workers working harder for less money, I'd wager it's been a tiptop year. I expect aught-three will be even more delicious. I recall terminating one fellow, a line worker — Cratchit, I believe was his name. “But my son is ill!” he cried. “We cannot afford health insurance!” Humbug! In my day, we didn't have health benefits, stock options and 401k plans. We sent children into coal mines and we liked it.

On executive ethics: These fellows Ebbers and Rigas — they're quite sterling chaps, you know. They've done nothing wrong that I can see, and should not for the rest of their days be persecuted by a legion of goblins, all of their own creation. Business is about making all the money you can, by hook or by crook. You don't owe anyone else anything, least of all your employees. They work for you — you don't work for them! It's their fault they mortgaged their futures on the success of these ventures, not yours!

On deregulation: It's enough for a man to understand his own business, and not to interfere with other people's. Mine occupies me constantly. It would seem to me that the government would and should have more pressing concerns than competition and broadband services for all. Mankind is not my business. The common welfare is not my business. Charity, mercy, forbearance and benevolence — none is my business, not this time of year or any other. Every idiot who goes about with “Merry Christmas” on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!

On the holidays: I must confess I now enjoy the season a mite bit more than when that twit Dickens was writing his book. My business wasn't telecom then. Christmas is now a major revenue driver for me — with friends, family and other parasites scattered across this miserable planet, long-distance calling increases, meaning an extra shilling or two in my pocket. That's why I insist that our full staff works every holiday. Time off — bah! A poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every 25th of December, I say!

DOSSIER: EBENEZER SCROOGE

Occupation: Telecommunications mogul

Location: London

Current reading: “I'm rereading ‘A Christmas Carol’ — with my libel attorney. Merry Christmas, Dickens. Here's your subpoena!”

Hobbies: Grumbling, tsk-tsking, harumphing, shaking head in disgust

Favorite Web site: “I don't have time for the Internet, you nincompoop!”

Next project: “According to this newfangled PDA of mine, I've an appointment with Three Spirits. I am uncertain just what that means.”