Hang up the kimono

“You have to give both your customers and your VCs your best shot because both of them are going to give you money. You have to open the kimono.”
— Wes Biggs, president and CEO, EdgeFlow

The greatest thing about the venture capital side of this business is the lingo. What other discipline uses an expression that evokes images of Japanese flashers to describe the practice of revealing one's strategy or financial standing?

According to a Web site called The Word Spy (www.logophilia.com/WordSpy), alternative phrases for the aforementioned kimono-shedding are “cookie jar accounting” and “putting wood behind the arrow.” (There probably should be a stipulation that the second option never be used in conjunction with the opening of the kimono.) A little more digging reveals that the expression “open the kimono” actually originated in feudal Japanese times and referred to the practice of proving that no weapons were hidden within the folds of clothing.

As attention-grabbing as the kimono phrase is — and indeed because of that fact — it and other idioms that make up the VC lexicon are starting to get a bit threadbare. A Google search for “open the kimono,” for example, produces 23,000 hits in 0.14 seconds. That means at least 23,000 people have used the phrase in writing. This column makes 23,001.

With that in mind, I offer you the following list of colorful substitute phrases that can be used to keep the VC interaction fresh and interesting — all without any danger of offending the Japanese or, for that matter, exhibitionists:

• Submit to the cavity search. While the images called to mind by this alternative to “open the kimono” may be somewhat disturbing, it really gets the point across. Especially in difficult economic climates, venture capitalists need to know exactly what they're getting themselves into and what secrets might be lurking under the surface.

• Go goofy foot. This phrase is used in surfing, water-skiing and snowboarding to denote the use of the right foot in front. (You're either goofy or “regular” — there is no middle ground.) In communications, it can be used to replace the countless overused terms that companies use to suggest their own innovation and uniqueness, including “differentiator” and anything that involves movement of the word “paradigm.” For example: “We've really gone goofy foot with our new line of optical add/drop multiplexers.”

• Sugar daddy. This expression is itself somewhat frayed around the edges, but it's an old standby, and I like to use it whenever I can. Use to describe VCs in general or apply specifically to angel investors.

• Get pantsed. There are so many lackluster expressions for loss and missed financial targets, especially in a downturn. At least this one brings back memories of summer camp. Plus, being a clothing reference, it's a shout out of sorts to the kimono phrase. An example of usage, especially for earnings calls: “Due to capex reductions in the service provider sector, we really got pantsed in the last quarter.”

• Masquerade mode. This replaces “stealth” and any references to radar and being under it. It's peacetime — no need for all the military references. Besides, being in masquerade mode leaves companies the option of changing their identity on an ongoing basis without retribution.

Next week: Alternative technology terms that can help make your product sound more interesting — even if it isn't. Until then, keep those kimonos closed.

Contact Jason Meyers at jmeyers@intertec.com