Gold member

Paid fifteen bucks extra for an aisle seat last week. Got stuck next to a 350-pound sweat hog. Paid twelve bucks more for the king filet rather than the queen. Couldn't finish it and fed it to the dogs. Paid a buck extra for a five-day rental. It took seven days to return and cost another $3.50. Can't say no to an upgrade. Some customers spend so much, they don't have to pay for upgrades. They're premium customers — gold members — and they get the gold treatment.

Here's one thing not in the Convergys story on page 9 that is part of that vendor's vision for how not to treat gold members. Gold member calls up. Gets the integrated voice response (IVR) system and sits in queue. The company is big — sells a thousand products. Divides them neatly into seven categories. Press one for blue widgets. Press two for green. Gold member spends a king's ransom every month but only buys two products — all in mauve. Press seven for mauve.

The categories are divided neatly into nine subcategories. Press one for imports. Press two for domestics. Gold member uses hybrids. Press nine for hybrids. Gold member hangs up. Company should know what gold member buys. Company should know it's a gold member calling. Gold member should get routed directly to the mauve-colored hybrid widget department — and offered a free massage.

Convergys says it has the smarts to make this happen. If so, this guy who can't say no to an upgrade will buy 10 times what he needs to become a gold member. Put him next to a sweat hog. Who cares? This guy hates IVRs.