Fat chance

For everything broadband was to signify, it now signifies nothing at all. It has too many connotations, or perhaps not a single, obvious one on which everybody can agree.

Let's face it: Broadband has a real image problem. The struggles and subsequent failures of DSL companies have quickly tainted what was supposed to be the Broadband Era. Broadband fixed wireless companies are hung up in spectrum hassles. Mention broadband to a prospective investor, and it just does not have the musk it once did more of a musty scent than anything else. The word broadband itself just has no soul.

After saying the word broadband several thousand times during the last couple years, it has finally occurred to me: The word is empty. A word that is supposed to make us think of fullness any and all applications at our fingertips is completely hollow. The word broadband is simply not worthy of everything we have attached to it. What we need is a word that is full by its very nature

When you say broadband, like all overused, over-hyped words, it echoes in your head like an empty bucket dropped to the bottom of a dry well. Admit it: The word broadband rolls out your mouth like a bit of gibberish. Try saying broadband and goo-goo about 10 times quickly and you won't be able to tell the difference.

The funny thing is that for everything broadband was to signify, it now signifies nothing at all. It has too many connotations, or perhaps not a single, obvious one on which everybody can agree. Are we talking about a big pipe? Are we talking about applications that use a lot of bandwidth? Are we talking about 64 kb/s and up? No one can agree, and trying to translate it for end users is impossible.

That is why we need a new buzzword, something no one has ever heard, since just about every real telecom term has already been appropriated in one way or another. It should be something that has soul and is a little more fun to say than broadband. It should be something that makes it sound like those big pipes are filled with fun.

Fatwidth.

It is time for fatwidth (and we don't mean PhatPipe). Fatwidth is utterly new and original. It is pure buzz, meaningless brilliance, and therefore ripe to be packaged. Fatwidth is a means of atonement, an acceptance and admission of the mockery that broadband has become. Fatwidth fills the empty soul of broadband.

Are you still worried about over-hype? Well, fatwidth is so daring that it almost begs not to be overused. Most of the industry will be too afraid of it, too humorless to realize the irony. But for the few who are not afraid, there can be plenty of marketing value in fatwidth. Whereas broadband was a cumbersome term to use in catchy marketing taglines, fatwidth has no such problem. Are you fat? Get fat, Fat's where it's at and, of course, Fat is phat are all awaiting your advertising approval. Service providers can sell fat apps instead of broadband applications, which sounds like terminology that house painters would use.

Fatwidth can get people interested in broadband again. Can you see the headlines? Telecom industry makes fat good again. Forget Bellheads and Netheads, we'll all be Fatheads (you must have known that was coming). The telecom industry will become the good-natured industry that is not afraid to make fun of itself.

So what do you say? Will you give fat a chance?

Sure, laugh if you want, but the fact is that the industry has not given users many reasons lately to believe they need broadband services. Broadband needs to be re-thought and re-defined for an audience of users that is tired of hearing about the ethereal promise of broadband. What can you really do for them? Can you make them fat?

Contact Dan O'Shea at doshea@industryclick.com