CLAUS & EFFECT

Kriss Kringle, better known as Santa Claus, is the international ambassador of the holiday season, navigating his reindeer-drawn sleigh to bring gifts to children the world over — a job made easier and more difficult by recent developments in high-tech. We talked with Claus about the impact of telecom on his Christmas efforts.

On e-commerce: “I'm rooting for e-commerce to really take off because then all the department stores will go out of business and all the fake Santas will be fired. Just because some guy looks like Kenny Rogers doesn't mean he should be allowed to substitute for big daddy here, capisce? And personally, I really miss Pets.com. No one else sells Reindeer Chow in bulk.”

On wireless: “It was one thing when the kids started e-mailing me their wish lists, but now I'm getting text messages over my cell phone. ‘I want this, I want that.’ Greedy little brats. I didn't even want a cell, but the missus finally talked me into it. So last year, it's Christmas Eve and I'm flying over Iowa or some other godforsaken place, and she actually has the nerve to call me and ask me to pick up a gallon of milk on my way back to the Pole. My busiest night of the year — can you believe her?”

On broadband: “You think you have trouble getting DSL in your neighborhood? Try living in the North Pole, pal.”

On Napster: “Of course people want stuff for free. That's what Christmas is all about. My elves and I bust our humps all year long to make toys for these kids, and what thanks do we ever get? Cookies and milk? How about a bottle of scotch every now and then, you ingrates? I'll start paying Metallica to listen to ‘Enter Sandman’ when they start paying me to cram my fat ass down their chimneys every year. I like Napster, personally. I'm a fan of most Christmas music, except for ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.’ That song sucks.”

On what's next: “I'm always looking for the next big thing. The evolution of telecom technology has already made my work easier, so I can't wait to see where we go from here. Next year, Santa's workshop is even setting up its own LAN — Lap LAN, we're calling it. One of the elves came up with that. Smart kid. We stole him away from Keebler. Most of those Keebler elves are bad news, though — glug, glug, if you know what I mean. What was I talking about again?”

DOSSIER: SANTA CLAUS

Occupation: Omniscient patron of seasonal cheer; jolly fat man

Place of residence: The North Pole

Current reading: “The Physics of Christmas: From the Aerodynamics of Reindeer to the Thermodynamics of Turkey” by Roger Highfield

Favorite Web site: www.noradsanta.org

Hobbies: “Let's just say it involves a bowling ball and ten elves.”

Next project: Christmas is a week away, and you're asking me what I'm doing next? What are you, some kind of moron?”