Casting call

This industry, it seems, is in need of a makeover. You don't have to look any further than the headlines in this magazine for ample evidence that telecom's name has been somewhat tarnished over the last several weeks. Consider these stories:

- PSINet lowered revenue guidance for the second half of 2000 and reported difficulty in securing additional funding (see page 44)

- Covad's stock price dropped precipitously a few weeks ago after the DSL provider revealed that several ISPs owe it large amounts of money

- Copper Mountain reported that fourth quarter earnings would fall far short of expectations, causing its stock to plummet

- Other data CLECs such as NorthPoint and Rhythms have taken a beating in recent weeks as DSL company valuations continue to head south

- Lucent sacked Rich McGinn in an effort to turn the company around after several quarters of disappointing performance (page 12)

- And of course, AT&T decided to break itself up as its stock hovers around its 52-week low (stories begin on page 8)

Sure, analysts are quick to point out that in many cases, these slumping stock prices are knee-jerk reactions to short-term bad news. And it may be true that most of these companies are worth much more than their stock price portrays.

But try explaining that to the little old lady who bought 500 shares of Covad stock last spring. As Business Editor Vincent Ryan said in this column last week, shareholders are demanding blood and they won't be happy until they get it. I'd take it one step further, though. When you're out shopping for that shiny new CEO, forget scanning The Wall Street Journal or scouring Fortune 500 companies for fresh talent.

Why not appoint a celebrity?

I don't mean a pseudo-celebrity like Bill Gates. Sure, the guy knows math and computers, but at best he's still just a megageek. A multibillion-dollar geek, but a geek just the same. I heard him speak at CTIA's opening session last year and after about 10 minutes I was so bored that I was falling out of my chair. That guy is about as animated as a loaf of Wonder Bread.

What these companies need is a bona-fide, Grade-A, crowd-pleasing celebrity. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Tom Cruise or Julia Roberts. Do these people understand the ins and outs of running a company? Of course not. Do they think EBITDA is a kind of sushi? Probably. But major telecom companies already have a mechanism for running their day-to-day operations - that's what the COO, CIO, CTO and all those other Os do.

What they need is an international star that the share-buying public can rally behind - a figurehead that understands how to smile, look pretty and make everyone else look good. And hey, the fact that they were in that really cool movie that came out last month - you know, the one about the secret agent who saves the world by driving really fast, blowing things up and shaking his or her moneymaker - is just an added bonus.

Sure, celebrities are expensive. But so are CEOs with all those stock options and what not. And just like CEOs, you can ax a celebrity. Send them to some two-bit operation based in Akron, Ohio - the industry equivalent of B movies and awful TV pilots.

Telecom companies wouldn't have to limit themselves to just Hollywood types. Pop music stars are fair game, too. Imagine how Lucent could have done things differently last week if, instead of thrusting Henry Schacht back into the top spot, it tapped someone like Britney Spears. Think of how much differently investors would react to poor earnings news if their CEO were to smile demurely and say,"Oops, I did it again."

This celebrity CEO concept might seem a bit over the top, but stranger things have happened. After all, Jesse Ventura is a governor, Clint Eastwood and Sonny Bono were mayors and Ronald Reagan was president. Maybe it's not so far-fetched after all.