Bakeoff boils over

Pillsbury, the company that adds to the world's cholesterol count in so many delicious ways, is upset with all the tech-heads using the term bakeoff.

Of all the issues bubbling just below the crust in the telecom market, this one must be put on the front burner.

Of course I'm thinking about the burning debate over the use of the phrase bakeoff. A bakeoff in telecom terms generally is thought of as an event in which a handful of vendors get together in a supposedly neutral environment and test similar technologies. The winners get bragging rights at the next Star Trek convention, and the losers claim the test didn't measure the qualities of their product in quantifiable terms.

Pillsbury, the company that adds to the world's cholesterol count in so many delicious ways, is upset with all the tech-heads using the term bakeoff. Specifically, it's targeting Columbia University, a sponsor of many bakeoffs not involving yeast.

Pillsbury trademarked the term Bake-off in the early 1970s, and despite its widespread use, it doesn't want the phrase to fall into general usage like Xerox or Scotch Tape. On the flip side, Motorola will proudly tell anyone who visits its corporate headquarters that its early efforts in China have transformed the company's brand into a general term for all handheld radios.

Pillsbury itself apparently has no problem appropriating names. On its Web site, the company is promoting a sweepstakes called Strudelpalooza. Perhaps it will be followed up next year by the Biscuith Fair sweepstakes dedicated to women.

Regardless, Pillsbury has a point. The Bake-off has been around for more than 50 years, has spawned imitators and variations like Pillsbury's own Kids' Bake-off and even a Bake-off Hall of Fame. That in and of itself is worth protecting. Pillsbury certainly wouldn't want to be associated with any test involving muxes not muffins.

In that spirit, I'd like to propose ridding the industry of several other general terms.

First is ATM. From now on, all makers of asynchronous transfer mode equipment will be required to change their technology name to something that might not be confused with a machine that provides convenient access to cash. The good people in the banking industry might like knowing that the stricture of ATM requires 53 bytes per cell, but it doesn't do much to push loan packages and credit cards.

Sonet is next on the list. Vendors of Sonet equipment are hereby requested to cease and desist using the acronym for synchronous optical network, lest anyone confuse it with a fourteen-line lyric poem that's spelled differently but sounds the same. How often must a college student see a class called Sonet Basics and think, blowoff course before the insanity stops?

And to make sure we don't just pick on vendors, out with SLAs. All carriers are requested to halt use of the acronym for service level agreement. While SLA may be open to interpretations, imagine the tragedy when carrier sales reps approach jumpy IT managers claiming they have SLAs, only to be confused with the Symbionese Liberation Army, the organization that kidnapped Patricia Hearst.

Those more attuned to being heard with their feet can also take action on the bakeoff issue. Jeff Pulver, IP telephony guru and never one to miss an opportunity to poke fun at ridiculous situations, actually is organizing a protest rally to take on the Doughboy.

Though details are sketchy, Pulver, who has the audacity to promote numerous SIP bakeoffs with nary a cup of flour in the room, may just burn the Pillsbury Doughboy in effigy at the next IETF meeting, which happens to be in Minneapolis, very close to Pillsbury headquarters. Or maybe he'll smash a strudel in anger.

So, come now, comrades. It is time to rise up in protest. Put down those Hungry Jacks and be counted.

Contact Vince Vittore at vvittore@intertec.com